April 30, 2013-Daily Diary Entry

Went to the Grocery Outlet to get more poison for my body.  There’s no end to the comedy that lies in between the aisles here…sandwiched in between the crappy stale chocolate eggs and the dog vibrators I hear a woman yell to another woman in a walker chair, “now don’t you go anywhere, you hear.”  As if the 8500 year old woman who was positioned right in the middle of the checkout aisles was going to zoom off in her crotch rocket and get lost on the island.  If you’re going to park her somewhere could you do it where there’s less traffic; like the parking lot.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Topic of the Day: Schools That Rip You Off and Teach You Jack Shit

If one more person tells me that they are going to school to become a “Life Coach” I am going to shoot myself in the head…I mean, it’s inevitable.  What is with the majority of “schools” popping up everywhere that are ripping people off left and right for things like, “life coaching?”  Isn’t it bad enough that so many kids have to go into debt for the rest of their lives just to pay for some “real” schooling, when most education should be free to begin with!?  What the hell is wrong with people?  You can teach yourself ANYTHING; within reason.  And, I can assure you that if you ever shot through the baby canal to get here, then you are a “certified Life Coach.”  Please, get a grip…if you are going to pay for that crap you should probably get your head examined…and hopefully now there is a school for that too…becoming an “Idiocy Counselor” should be everybody’s goal.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

DP

I have been asked a million times to define love…how do I define love…well, this is how I define it…there are few people that I have loved in my life…really, truly loved…I never knew love…my parents were fucked up people who gave love to each other and with held it from me…and then you gave me love like I had never known…and then you with held it from me…and often times I wonder how that makes you feel…I tried to make it right with you…I tried to forgive you, but you cut me from the rose like I drew blood from your stem…and all I can feel now is the emptiness that bleeds me from within.  And I wonder if you can even feel at all anymore…?

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Abuse

Look, I don’t care if you fucked your brother, or if you held yourself hostage with a tampon…it’s called abuse and it’s ugly.  It makes you ugly.  It makes everything you do ugly.  It makes people see you as ugly.  It makes God use baby wipes when he holds you in his arms because you are ugly.  And everything that I judge you on is based upon whether or not that spell is broken…because I no longer want to be ugly.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Best Lyrics Ever

“A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.”

-Florence and the Machine

And what I take from this, and what applies to me is this:

“And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became.”

You know I was born of the light, but I was subject to so much darkness that I didn’t know any better and “so darkness I became.”  These lyrics are so poignant for me…because I really didn’t know any better…I was told by my Mother that I was a “bad seed” and that I was “born angry” and so I grew up pretty angry.  I became pretty “dark,” however it took me a while to figure out that I wasn’t really that person; that I was just badly abused and that I reacted because of that, and that was all.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Mama’s Little Girl

Wake up in the middle of the night…Mom is there with my wedding dress on the bed…it’s so weird when you haven’t seen someone in years…yet, when I see her in my dreams she’s just as scary as she once was…I feel as if I can reach out and touch her…but, it’s only an illusion…how is that you can leave someone behind to unburden yourself yet they can haunt you when you sleep as if they own you still…?

 

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved