Job Description for the President of the United States of America

We are looking for someone who can take a dog turd and turn it into a pot of gold.  We are looking for a candidate who can forge a Monet.  We are looking for an individual who can take mistresses to Planned Parenthood; ideally a person who can get there in time for the two for one special, so that we don’t have to use up all of the petty cash.  This job isn’t for someone squeamish; it is however a job for an individual who is severely jaded and who would lie to God to get a date with Jesus.  If this sounds like you, please give us a brief description of why you think so little of yourself.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

The Monterey Peninsula – The Real Review

I fondly refer to the Monterey Peninsula as Bermuda Triangle dos.  The Monterey Peninsula is full of people who are going absolutely nowhere, or who want to purposely disappear because they are tired of being somewhere.

This is no place to further your career, unless you are into ass clownery, or aquatics.

This is no place to date unless you want to date the same two guys that are left here because they could not make it in hell.  You would find many more prospects, and infinitely better ones, at the boys town YMCA.

There is no night life here whatsoever, so please don’t plan on going out unless you want to go to the same two places over and over and over and over and over and over again.  And not unless you want to listen to the same music (jazz, or blues) over and over and over and over and over and over again.  Do not plan on a sophisticated atmosphere, or sophisticated clientele either; plan for the same two guys that I mentioned before, tourists who want to “screw you while they’re here,” or a plethora of beer guzzling military boys who want to “screw you while they’re here.”  Either way you are absolutely screwed while you’re here.

There is nowhere to shop here either.  Our main shopping mall consists of Claire’s and a bunch of sub-par clothing/shoes/accessories that look like they belong on people who are dumb as shit about fashion and wouldn’t know fashion forward anything if it hit them in the head.

Our weather is fucking retarded.  It’s completely backwards.  All of the locals laugh at the tourists who come in the summer because we have the worst weather in the summer and the best weather in September/October, etc.  You have to wear tons of layers whenever you go out because it will be sunny on one side of the street, cloudy & rainy on the other side, and then windy in the middle.

They took the carousel away, so as far as I am concerned the entertainment is gone.  You can go the aquarium if you want, but unless you like kids-which no one does-you will hate it.

The next person who says to me, “Oh, but it’s so beautiful here” is going to get served a plate full of shut the fuck up, along side some of our well known clam chowder, and a spoon to gag themselves with.

It is a well known saying amongst the people who grew up here that so and so “got out.”    Or they that so and so left, but somehow came back and are ready to kill themselves at a moments notice.  You know where they also say that?  JAIL.

All that being said, the one thing that I can recommend with complete confidence, is the ample amount of scenic areas that there are here to come and off yourself at.

So, come one, come all…just be sure that you have a round trip ticket to get the hell out of here after you’ve had your fill.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day, Happy Mother’s Day, Happy Mother’s Day to you.  Happy Motherless Fuck You With a Toaster Oven in Your Vagina Day and Fuck You Too.

Just kidding, I love Mother’s Day…it makes me feel like a motherless virgin all over again.

© 2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved