Online Dating Woes from a Wayside Woman

When you turn the magical age of who gives a fuck, then some, & vine you give up and give in to online dating…and whilst I’d love to say, “fuck that…” I can’t, really…

So, yeah I guess you can say, “Craigslist for dating???”  Yep…everyone says that and yet nearly everyone has either posted an ad, or honed in on the ad department; so please don’t bother with the art of pretending to be above Lecherouslist…like I said before…you give in at some point…whether you just got tired of fingering yourself with a cucumber, minus the Tzatziki, or you were just bored from all of the boringness in your boring ass life and decided to try something new…you’ve done it, so get over it.

For women the wonderful losers of Craigslist are plentiful; ripe and ready to sweep you right off of your barbie broken barbed wire feet…because that’s what they expect you to show up wearing; ready to suck off the huge diseased cock that they just sent you via email a few minutes ago…what’s totally awesome is if a woman actually puts some thought into a well written ad and she still gets a pic of some idiots dick sent to her anyway…I mean really guys…I saw my Dad’s anaconda in the shower when I was a little girl and it scared the shit out me, so do you think that seeing a close up of yours + a hairy ball sac is going to potentially win me over???  Newsflash: most women don’t get all excited over that anyway…yeah, we’d love for it to be big, but we really just want it to work and work us over again and again and again and again…K. Peace.

I am convinced now after being the degenerate OK Cupid contributor that I have been in the past that this dating site is not just for horny losers, but for all of the guys in the world who are dead broke, don’t have a car, but still have their big wheel and who are still living in their mother’s basement, or whom are merely living out of a trash can somewhere where they still have wireless.  I mean, its free, right…

And Match.com…well, we’d all love to think that these guys are paying to find love so they probably actually have a job, don’t live with mommy and don’t expect a woman to be their sugar momma…all in all you just pretty much expect them to be less pathetic…think again…I actually had to call make a police report on a loser whack job from the paying dating site: Match.com; not Craigslist…yeah…go figure…but, at least I didn’t get killed: Craigslist -1…and I still also found horny scum balls that contacted me despite my well written, well thought out, non-sexual ad…it’s just par for the course on dating sites I suppose…

And it’s not all bad…the man candy choices aren’t all terrible…just mostly.

What most of the online dating websites do have in common is this list of massive black hole, blood boiling, vagina zipping turn -offs to women:

1. Many men post pictures of themselves in sunglasses; this isn’t the witness protection program hon; you are on the Internet!  And I can’t see your eyes, but you need to see my boobs…uuuhhh…wow.  Another personal favorite is the guys who post pictures of themselves from like 10 years ago…really???  Look, I am trusting that you are the dude in the pictures that you posted like yesterday, ok…and if you show up to our date looking like some jacked up monkey from the ghetto girl’s animal channel I am not going to just assume that you “aged some.”  Got it.

2. Photos of a guy and some bitch.  Yeah…I said it…whether it’s your current bitch that you lied about-yeah that bitch/your ex-bitch, someone else’s bitch, or just some random bitch; if you’re just that dumb to think that posting a picture of yourself and a woman from Hooters on your profile is going to actually attract the woman that you want to mate with, think again…no woman in her right mind wants to date the jerk who posts pictures of himself with other women…grosssssss.

3. Look I know that it’s super chic for guys to buy dogs to “pick up chicks” and parade them around town, but don’t you think that it’s a bit much to be posting the damn pictures of these damn dogs on every profile known to man…by a man…???  If you’re that ugly, yeah, maybe I’d date you if your dog was cute…like big maybe; not even really dumb ass…but, is that what you really want me to do?

4. And then we have the plethora of pics of these men rock climbing/belaying, NASA and you were in the fricken space mobile that went up, up, up and away…ok, I get it…you’re a guy…you like to do shit…but, I don’t really need to see 20,000 pictures of you and your action hero status…and in so many profiles it’s like, “I love to do flying trapeze out of my ass…I live for setting my tongue on fire and letting an ant hill run loose on it while my dog pees on my mental canvas…this month I will be running to Africa and back with a sweat pack on and 80 slaves that they dug up from the war on top of it… and on my off days I like to climb Mt. Everest and tempt the grim reaper to pull on one of my boot straps…just a little.”  Wow…fuck…I am fucking exhausted…I don’t have the time, nor the inclination to date you…you would probably be fucking my dog while I was asleep because you were bored and needed the adrenaline rush.

5. Nearly every male has to say that he “does not want drama.”  Are you sure?  Because I sure as hell do…and the fact that you just implied the cliche drama bit about women makes me like you just that much less pal.  These are the same guys that say that their exes were all psychos…of course they were…look, a grown man still sucking off of his mother’s tit to get a $10 bill to go buy a bottle of Mickey’s from the corner store would make anyone hate you.

I could keep going here for like years and years…the material just piles up…like dog shit on your neighbor’s lawn…but, for now I have said my peace…my piece…and that is all.

© Regan McCoy 2013 All Rights Reserved