Watching Sports

Watching sports is so boring that I would rather shoot myself in the head and bleed out all over my Monopoly money.  And why is it that guys online always ask you if you’re into watching sports??? No, ass wad, I’m not into watching sports, because I am a woman and I’d rather beat you at them in person.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

It’s Never a Good Thing When…

Ok, so it’s never a good thing when people say that you are a ‘free spirit.’ I had someone once tell me that they were not surprised that I wasn’t married, because I was such a free spirit…seriously???  All that means is that someone really thinks that you are a spiraling artist fuck head who has been sniffing paint so long that she can barely spell her own name anymore.  It’s like a back handed compliment, except it isn’t one.  It’s like a diplomatic way to say, hey, you really are fucked, but if I say free spirit it’ll make you feel better.  I guess that free spirits don’t need to be married because they are free to be with themselves all day and all night…isn’t that special.  Yeah, I’m a free spirit all right…and I am also a free thinker who thinks that people who say ‘free spirit’ should shut the fuck up.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Job Description for the President of the United States of America

We are looking for someone who can take a dog turd and turn it into a pot of gold.  We are looking for a candidate who can forge a Monet.  We are looking for an individual who can take mistresses to Planned Parenthood; ideally a person who can get there in time for the two for one special, so that we don’t have to use up all of the petty cash.  This job isn’t for someone squeamish; it is however a job for an individual who is severely jaded and who would lie to God to get a date with Jesus.  If this sounds like you, please give us a brief description of why you think so little of yourself.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

The Monterey Peninsula – The Real Review

I fondly refer to the Monterey Peninsula as Bermuda Triangle dos.  The Monterey Peninsula is full of people who are going absolutely nowhere, or who want to purposely disappear because they are tired of being somewhere.

This is no place to further your career, unless you are into ass clownery, or aquatics.

This is no place to date unless you want to date the same two guys that are left here because they could not make it in hell.  You would find many more prospects, and infinitely better ones, at the boys town YMCA.

There is no night life here whatsoever, so please don’t plan on going out unless you want to go to the same two places over and over and over and over and over and over again.  And not unless you want to listen to the same music (jazz, or blues) over and over and over and over and over and over again.  Do not plan on a sophisticated atmosphere, or sophisticated clientele either; plan for the same two guys that I mentioned before, tourists who want to “screw you while they’re here,” or a plethora of beer guzzling military boys who want to “screw you while they’re here.”  Either way you are absolutely screwed while you’re here.

There is nowhere to shop here either.  Our main shopping mall consists of Claire’s and a bunch of sub-par clothing/shoes/accessories that look like they belong on people who are dumb as shit about fashion and wouldn’t know fashion forward anything if it hit them in the head.

Our weather is fucking retarded.  It’s completely backwards.  All of the locals laugh at the tourists who come in the summer because we have the worst weather in the summer and the best weather in September/October, etc.  You have to wear tons of layers whenever you go out because it will be sunny on one side of the street, cloudy & rainy on the other side, and then windy in the middle.

They took the carousel away, so as far as I am concerned the entertainment is gone.  You can go the aquarium if you want, but unless you like kids-which no one does-you will hate it.

The next person who says to me, “Oh, but it’s so beautiful here” is going to get served a plate full of shut the fuck up, along side some of our well known clam chowder, and a spoon to gag themselves with.

It is a well known saying amongst the people who grew up here that so and so “got out.”    Or they that so and so left, but somehow came back and are ready to kill themselves at a moments notice.  You know where they also say that?  JAIL.

All that being said, the one thing that I can recommend with complete confidence, is the ample amount of scenic areas that there are here to come and off yourself at.

So, come one, come all…just be sure that you have a round trip ticket to get the hell out of here after you’ve had your fill.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

April 30, 2013-Daily Diary Entry

Went to the Grocery Outlet to get more poison for my body.  There’s no end to the comedy that lies in between the aisles here…sandwiched in between the crappy stale chocolate eggs and the dog vibrators I hear a woman yell to another woman in a walker chair, “now don’t you go anywhere, you hear.”  As if the 8500 year old woman who was positioned right in the middle of the checkout aisles was going to zoom off in her crotch rocket and get lost on the island.  If you’re going to park her somewhere could you do it where there’s less traffic; like the parking lot.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Topic of the Day: Schools That Rip You Off and Teach You Jack Shit

If one more person tells me that they are going to school to become a “Life Coach” I am going to shoot myself in the head…I mean, it’s inevitable.  What is with the majority of “schools” popping up everywhere that are ripping people off left and right for things like, “life coaching?”  Isn’t it bad enough that so many kids have to go into debt for the rest of their lives just to pay for some “real” schooling, when most education should be free to begin with!?  What the hell is wrong with people?  You can teach yourself ANYTHING; within reason.  And, I can assure you that if you ever shot through the baby canal to get here, then you are a “certified Life Coach.”  Please, get a grip…if you are going to pay for that crap you should probably get your head examined…and hopefully now there is a school for that too…becoming an “Idiocy Counselor” should be everybody’s goal.

©2013 Regan McCoy All Rights Reserved

Craigslist Jobs-Best Job Ever

Craigslist Jobs-Best Job Ever

I may have just stumbled upon the best job ever!

So, apparently in order to become a Head Lice Removal Specialist you have to a background check done and drug testing as well…and you can’t be squeamish, because whilst the lice don’t jump, or fly, you have to be able to be down with killing lice and be able to be around their scummy eggs every day…

So, I would surmise that it would actually behoove someone to be a doped up serial killing ass clown in order to work here…because who the fuck in their right mind would be able to stomach doing this anyway!?

Daily Diary Entry – March 8, 2013

Got a nice old fashioned lecture today on how Madonna doesn’t have an ego because she studies Kabbalah…I was in an interview, so instead of stabbing myself in the forehead with the plastic fork that they gave me for the grossly over priced tomato and basil pasta salad that I ordered, I just smiled and nodded most assuredly…why does this crap happen to me; I said a little prayer, prior to touch down, that he not be loony tunes and Santa made sure that I got those light up sneakers from the poor black girl across the way…it’s just not fair; I thought that I was in the clear…positive thoughts, positive thoughts…ok, I will cut you some slack because A. you sound like you are from another country, even though you have been here for 45 years, and maybe I can’t really understand you because I can’t understand you, or I do understand you, but I choose to remain in denial because that’s the dumbest thing that anyone has ever said, B. I want this job and I could probably actually do this job because I would be mandamnfandabulous at it, C. you are a fellow artist and you and I both know that we are all supposed to be nuts…

© Regan McCoy 2013 All Rights Reserved

Happy Hour

Wow, holy crap…Happy Hour at El Mariachi tonight consists of: $1.00 tacos and free bull rides…how can I pass that up…I wonder how many classy women will show up this time…mmm, not sure…most women wouldn’t dream of even giving up a face ride to any guy who actually frequents a bar called El Mariachi to begin with; let alone willingly spread their legs to jump on a germ ridden, slippery bull and bob around like a horny fuck monster in front of them all.  But, you never know…

©Regan McCoy 2013 All Rights Reserved

Online Dating Woes from a Wayside Woman

When you turn the magical age of who gives a fuck, then some, & vine you give up and give in to online dating…and whilst I’d love to say, “fuck that…” I can’t, really…

So, yeah I guess you can say, “Craigslist for dating???”  Yep…everyone says that and yet nearly everyone has either posted an ad, or honed in on the ad department; so please don’t bother with the art of pretending to be above Lecherouslist…like I said before…you give in at some point…whether you just got tired of fingering yourself with a cucumber, minus the Tzatziki, or you were just bored from all of the boringness in your boring ass life and decided to try something new…you’ve done it, so get over it.

For women the wonderful losers of Craigslist are plentiful; ripe and ready to sweep you right off of your barbie broken barbed wire feet…because that’s what they expect you to show up wearing; ready to suck off the huge diseased cock that they just sent you via email a few minutes ago…what’s totally awesome is if a woman actually puts some thought into a well written ad and she still gets a pic of some idiots dick sent to her anyway…I mean really guys…I saw my Dad’s anaconda in the shower when I was a little girl and it scared the shit out me, so do you think that seeing a close up of yours + a hairy ball sac is going to potentially win me over???  Newsflash: most women don’t get all excited over that anyway…yeah, we’d love for it to be big, but we really just want it to work and work us over again and again and again and again…K. Peace.

I am convinced now after being the degenerate OK Cupid contributor that I have been in the past that this dating site is not just for horny losers, but for all of the guys in the world who are dead broke, don’t have a car, but still have their big wheel and who are still living in their mother’s basement, or whom are merely living out of a trash can somewhere where they still have wireless.  I mean, its free, right…

And Match.com…well, we’d all love to think that these guys are paying to find love so they probably actually have a job, don’t live with mommy and don’t expect a woman to be their sugar momma…all in all you just pretty much expect them to be less pathetic…think again…I actually had to call make a police report on a loser whack job from the paying dating site: Match.com; not Craigslist…yeah…go figure…but, at least I didn’t get killed: Craigslist -1…and I still also found horny scum balls that contacted me despite my well written, well thought out, non-sexual ad…it’s just par for the course on dating sites I suppose…

And it’s not all bad…the man candy choices aren’t all terrible…just mostly.

What most of the online dating websites do have in common is this list of massive black hole, blood boiling, vagina zipping turn -offs to women:

1. Many men post pictures of themselves in sunglasses; this isn’t the witness protection program hon; you are on the Internet!  And I can’t see your eyes, but you need to see my boobs…uuuhhh…wow.  Another personal favorite is the guys who post pictures of themselves from like 10 years ago…really???  Look, I am trusting that you are the dude in the pictures that you posted like yesterday, ok…and if you show up to our date looking like some jacked up monkey from the ghetto girl’s animal channel I am not going to just assume that you “aged some.”  Got it.

2. Photos of a guy and some bitch.  Yeah…I said it…whether it’s your current bitch that you lied about-yeah that bitch/your ex-bitch, someone else’s bitch, or just some random bitch; if you’re just that dumb to think that posting a picture of yourself and a woman from Hooters on your profile is going to actually attract the woman that you want to mate with, think again…no woman in her right mind wants to date the jerk who posts pictures of himself with other women…grosssssss.

3. Look I know that it’s super chic for guys to buy dogs to “pick up chicks” and parade them around town, but don’t you think that it’s a bit much to be posting the damn pictures of these damn dogs on every profile known to man…by a man…???  If you’re that ugly, yeah, maybe I’d date you if your dog was cute…like big maybe; not even really dumb ass…but, is that what you really want me to do?

4. And then we have the plethora of pics of these men rock climbing/belaying, NASA and you were in the fricken space mobile that went up, up, up and away…ok, I get it…you’re a guy…you like to do shit…but, I don’t really need to see 20,000 pictures of you and your action hero status…and in so many profiles it’s like, “I love to do flying trapeze out of my ass…I live for setting my tongue on fire and letting an ant hill run loose on it while my dog pees on my mental canvas…this month I will be running to Africa and back with a sweat pack on and 80 slaves that they dug up from the war on top of it… and on my off days I like to climb Mt. Everest and tempt the grim reaper to pull on one of my boot straps…just a little.”  Wow…fuck…I am fucking exhausted…I don’t have the time, nor the inclination to date you…you would probably be fucking my dog while I was asleep because you were bored and needed the adrenaline rush.

5. Nearly every male has to say that he “does not want drama.”  Are you sure?  Because I sure as hell do…and the fact that you just implied the cliche drama bit about women makes me like you just that much less pal.  These are the same guys that say that their exes were all psychos…of course they were…look, a grown man still sucking off of his mother’s tit to get a $10 bill to go buy a bottle of Mickey’s from the corner store would make anyone hate you.

I could keep going here for like years and years…the material just piles up…like dog shit on your neighbor’s lawn…but, for now I have said my peace…my piece…and that is all.

© Regan McCoy 2013 All Rights Reserved